When I started my relationship with my husband André, it was one of my recruirements that we have children. It did not matter to me if they were from our blood or adopted, but I wanted to raise them. I had always wished for 2 or 3 children. My husband is 24 years older than me and already has two sons. After his second son he had gone through a sterilisation, which had already been 19 years ago. He still decided, after thinking it through carefully, that he wished to have children with me as well.
After we were married for 6 months, we started discussing the subject seriously. We had said that we would not try a pregnancy, before we had been married for at least a year. But I knew the process would take months until we would even beginn the preperations for a pregnancy, so I pushed to have a consultancy with an urologist in ocotber 2016.
In case of sterilisation
He gave us two options, one was to undo the sterilisation and try to get pregnant naturally. The other was to take out the sperm and keep the sterilisation. As André would’ve redone it after undoing it and donating the sperm, we decided to go for the second option directly. We also considered that the chances of pregnancy after a sterilisation of about 19 years were very little. And after trying to get pregnant for a year, we would be back to square one. So we made an appointment for the operation in november.
After the successfull operation we could start hormonal therapy for me in january 2017. That meant that from the start of my persiod I had to take the Anti Baby Pill. After I had gone through them to the fourth last, I had to start the hormone Decapeptyl. This is a liquid that I had to inject every evening into my stomach. A nurse explained exactly how to do it. It took some courage from me in the beginning to stab myself with a needle, but after a week or two it became routine. The hormones made me tired and emotional. It is quite frightening to not be in control of your emotions any longer and erupt in tears or anger at the drop of a hat.
I got my period after stopping with the pill and two days later had to start the second injection – Gonal F. Injecting with this works the same as an insulin injection and is just as easy to handle. About ten days after taking these two injections every evening, I had my first echo to check the growth of the egg cells. I had to go there every day for three days until we could determine a date for taking them out. I have to say that at this point I could feel the pressure of the follicles and it even felt a little painful.
Two days before the take out I stopped with all injections and got a last, new one: Ovitrelle. One day I was not to inject any medicaments and on the day of the take out I had to take two paracetamol with breakfast (ask your doctor if you could maybe take more, if you are sensitive to pain).
Taking out the follicles
In the hospital I had to empty my bladder and get out of my clothes, before I got a morphin injection. The doctor started with an internal echo to check the size of the follicles. I had about six big ones on each side and a lot of small ones. She inserted a long metall stick with a suction head and a needle. The needle is stabbed through your womb to reach the tubes and follicles. This happens once for each side and is a short but considerable pain. The doctor prepared me with counting it down and having me breath in and out for it.
The suction of the follicles isn’t painful but very uncomfortable. They are sucked out one by one and a lab assistant immediately checks if there are any egg cells inside of them. Because they can be empty too. The doctor found 13 egg cells with me.
After the take out you have to take bed rest. This is very serious and your partner has to take care of you. Please don’t take this lightly. I got two uvula with a little morphin and permission to take up to 6 paracetamol. The pain was so strong that none of that helped once the initial morphin injection wore off. We had to go back to the hospital and after an echo I got another pain medication that is usually given to patients who had an operation. That helped me sleep at night and thus I could rest and felt a lot better the next morning. I would recommend it for anyone going through this, don’t heistate to go back to your doctor!
Waiting, waiting, waiting
For the next two weeks I had to take a vaginal uvula to help develop the uterine lining. You get a small stick to help you insert the oval uvula (it has to go in as deep as a tampon).
A few days later one embryo was placed back inside of me. The process was pain free and done in a few moments. It didn’t even feel particularly uncomfortable (but maybe I was hardenend by the take-out procedure).
The result and my miscarriage
After that the real waiting began, until I went to the blood test last week wednesday. I learned that day that I was indeed pregnant. That happiness lasted for a day and I started bleeding. On friday I called the doctor who told me this could also mean nothing and I should wait until Monday. The bleeding became stronger during the weekend and bright red. I had the same pain I got with my period and very unusually strong bleeding. Every time I went to the toilet I had to see more blood and it felt like an icecold hand had gripped my heart and squizzed out all the happiness. On saturday I bought a pregnancy test, that was of course positive, because I still had enough hcg in my urine.
On monday I called back and got an appointment on wednesday for another blood test, that confirmed the loss of pregnancy (innalillahe wa inna ilahe rejeoon).
Now we have reached the point that we have used one of the three chances of getting pregnant. The hopes and wishes that are connected to a pregnancy are the same at the beginning or end of it. Of course it is way worse to lose a child in a later stage of the pregnancy. But the disappointment and sadness of the loss of a desired pregnancy are immense.
The whole weeked while I bled I went through the stages of grief until on sunday evening I reached something like acceptance. My husband was not ready to give up hope yet but he also had to face reality on wednesday. This message was a huge emotional shock for him too. I want everyone who is planning a pregnancy or who is going through this to know: Also the loss of early pregnancy is hard to handle – emotionally and phisically.
Please give yourself time and rest, you will need it to overcome your emotions and decide when and how to resume. Don’t let anyone pressure you.