Since April we have started again with the IVF treatment. That means taking the pill again, taking hormone injections again, having my uterus stabbed again, to take out the eggs. And today we were at the hospital to have the embryo put in again. That means we have to wait for 2 weeks now until the blood test will show if I am pregnant or not. I am excited, distracted and a little scared. It feels like someone has pushed the forward button. I already started taking the pill during out holiday in Japan. Since we’ve come back, time seems to fly by.
At the moment I only have to insert hormones vaginally, these will keep the uterus well prepared so the blastocyst can settle in.
The doctor gave it a grade B, proud of himself that he could say it to me in german. I think he felt my nervosity and thought he should do some small talk. But small talk is the least of your worries when you’re sitting there with your legs spread open. You only want it to be over as fast as possible. It feels like having a conversation with your dentist.
Putting in the embryo doesn’t even take 5 minutes and before we know it, we’re walking back to the car with out appointment for the blood test in our hands.
Afterwards I only want to be alone and feel lethargic. I lie down after lunch and read up on embryonic development on Wikipedia. The doctor said it’s right times divided. Our eight times divided blastocyst only has to attach itself now – I cheer it on. This will happen in the next couple of days. I can’t do anything to encourage it, to make it happen quicker. I can only wait, helpless and with a lingering worry that something will go wrong. Like that first time, when after waiting for two weeks patiently, I got the message that I was pregnant. And the next day the bleeding started already – a miscarriage. How it feels to fall from that height is hard to describe. The fear stayed with me for the following two attempts, but they both didn’t lead to a pregnancy.
Then to hear “you just need to relax, don’t think about it” makes me mad. How in the name of God almighty am I supposed to not think about it? How while taking hormones, being tested and checked and endless appointments am I supposed to act like nothings going on? Not even couples who try to get pregnant naturally are able to do that.
During our vacation I had a nervous breakdown because I was so afraid of having another miscarriage. So early in pregnancy you have no way of saying goodbye. The sudden crash of hormones and the heavy disappointment is like a hit in the stomach.
It took me months to get over it. To tell me to relax or stop working or lie down more feels like you’re blaming me
“If you had only done xyz you’d have a baby now” – that is the most difficult part about all of this, I have no control. I can’t just do “this” the next time and it’ll work out. That’s something I had to learn how to deal with in counseling.
Because when I say to my doctor “I want to know why, I want some test”, she says “there is no test, either you’re pregnant or not” because if you think about it a little, you’ll notice that also women in war-torn areas give birth to healthy children. Can anyone imagine more stress?
We do not know yet how many embryos have survived the freezing process and how many will survive reviving them. But I am afraid of that number, because it puts a countdown on how many tries we have. I also fear too many embryos, because it’s so taxing for my health.
And I know everything will chance once I’m pregnant. My complete reality will change and who isn’t afraid of the unknown?
Just tecenrec I read that abortion might become illegal again in America. Also the information law in Germany about abortion might be changed. And the Scott’s have come closer to legal abortion. Even though I am fighting so hard to have a child, I am for a woman’s right to chose and I don’t think any couple that is trying hard to get a child, be it naturally or via IVF or adoption, would ever want to force a woman to give birth just so they can take that child.
I think that is ridiculous and an empty argument that is misused by many to make those women look bad. I can’t imagine every scenario in which a woman might need an abortion. All I know is that it is an incredibly hard decision to make and is only made for a very good reason. Those women who really need an abortion will obtain it, even if it be illegal and unsafe to do so.
Before adoption was legal I. Germany, German women would travel to the Netherlands to get one. I want it to be regulated. I want women to be counselled by a doctor and a counselor to make sure she is not making a rash decision and is informed. I don’t want her to have a back alley abortion or hurt herself.
Update 22.7.: When your worst nightmare comes true