It started on Wednesday evening, the horror scenario that no pregnant woman wants to face. Bleeding. I had just used up my last hormone medicine and as that is inserted vaginally, I hoped that I had scratched myself. It was nothing, it would pass, right?
Wrong. Because in the following days the bleeding kept increasing, not like a period and without other symptoms, but it also didn’t lessen. On Friday it was time for the blood test and my bleeding was looking more and more red rather than brown.
We went there in the morning and got the result at 13:00. The test was positive but the lady on the line was happier than we were. I asked “then why am I bleeding?”
For a moment she was quiet and then she asked how heavy the bleeding was and what colour. Bright red was not a good message. She said “then I’m sorry to say but you probably aren’t pregnant anymore ”
The message didn’t reach me and so we made another appointment for another blood test. Thursday I’ll know if the hormone increased or not. No result will be able to make me happy.
If hormone levels go down I am just going through my second miscarriage. The incredible amount of bright red blood speaks for this result.
If the horror stays the same or even increases, it could mean that I have an ectopic pregnancy. In the best case scenario it would resolve itself or through medicaments. In the worst case my felopian tube might burst and I could die. The middle way would be having an operation that could safe me and my felopian tube. No good outcome all around.
It is good for me that I am only pregnant for about 5 weeks and at the coming blood test it might be 6 weeks. IVF patients are monitored closely, which is why it is unlikely that they’d miss an ectopic pregnancy. The pain in my left side, slight fever and generell weakness speak for an ectopic pregnancy.
Before Thursday I can’t know anything and am watching my state with hawk eyes. Maybe I am checking myself more than is good for me, but I think my fear is justified. My worry is growing because only a week ago we learned that this is the only embryo that came out alive from the hormone treatment. For this time it’s the only chance we will get.
At the moment I am not able to work through the mental or emotional horror of this situation. Maybe because I am still in the middle of it. Because of the bleeding I’ve already had a nervous breakdown and feel very insecure. But the certainty what is happening is still missing. That is keeping my sanity going.
And then there is still that token of hope, that I shouldn’t entertain, that it’s none of those two possibilities. That it is just that mysterious period that some pregnant women talk about and then go on to give birth to a healthy baby. My brain is telling me it is highly unlikely, but my heart is not convinced. And as long as I don’t have certainty it can’t be convinced.
So I am sitting here, googling ectopic pregnancy symptoms and trying to ignore the constant sting only left side. ‘Stay with me’ the only desperate wish in my heart.